More than just me

My last few days have been... well... emotional. I love my life... I love my babies... but sometimes it just, well, it's just hard. Sleep deprivation will do that to ya.

In the midst of it all, there are moments of absolute beauty that overwhelm me. This morning as I was nursing Jaden, I was looking down at him and he was gazing at me too... and then the corner of his mouth turned up in a beautiful smile and he let out a giggle. It was one of those moments that you want to remember forever. I wanted to take in everything - his tiny hand wrapped around my thumb, the warmth of him cuddled close, the sweet smell of the top of his head... and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my own reflection. I stopped. It was a God-moment. I was only reflected in his eyes because I was so close to him... and that's what God desires in me... to be so close to him, that He is reflected in my eyes... when others look at me, they see more that just me... but my Father reflected.

As I climbed into bed last night, I had tears in my eyes. I was so tired from nursing thru the night, the ever-growing mountain of dishes and laundry (I've come to hate that one in particular), the constant smell of sour milk, the tangled mass of my long hair, the bed still being unmade... it felt like too much. In moments like that, I have learned one thing... to drive the sword of God's word deep into my sorrow. The truth of Hebrews 4:12 has been made clear to me in so many circumstances: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." If my heart is troubled, I turn to God's word that I might hear His voice of comfort. If my mind is troubled, I seek His word as a seive to sort thru the thoughts that circle 'round my mind. If I feel as if I have swallowed a stone that sits in the pit of my belly, I know my attitude needs to brought into line with God's gracious word. And so last night, I reached for Mark's copy of The Message, sitting on the night stand...

Psalm 34
2 I live and breathe God;
if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:

4 God met me more than halfway,
he freed me from my anxious fears.

5 Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
Never hide your feelings from him.

6 When I was desperate, I called out,
and God got me out of a tight spot.

7 God's angel sets up a circle
of protection around us while we pray.

8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.

18 If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there...

What amazing words of comfort. At the end of the day, when I feel as if all I could do was just muscle my way thru to the end before collapsing in bed, I fell asleep knowing that I am not hidden from Him. I am not invisible to Him... No one else may know that I've had a lousy day, but He does, and He cares about what I'm going thru. He sees me, knows me, loves me. I wish He could do my laundry for me... but I don't think it's on His agenda.